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They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating — as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today.

the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that corporate — whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people.

But "Black Mirror" usually has more novel things to say. Season 3, Episode 6: "Hated in the Nation" It's disappointing that "Black Mirror" Season 3 -- one of the best TV seasons ever -- ended with a story that feels a little like "Sharknado." Great acting, though, and it can be taken as a friendly reminder not to cancel people over tweets.21.

Season 5, Episode 2: "Smithereens" Topher Grace's lovely performance as a tech guru who hates beeps, bloops and push notifications as much as you do saves this from being a pretty run-of-the-mill hostage drama.

So very quickly — really about six weeks into this research — I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.

And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?

I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay — and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness — that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness — they have a strong sense of love and belonging — and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to — and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. My one year turned into six years: Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job — you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. The problem is — and I learned this from the research — that you cannot selectively numb emotion. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... We'll fix it." But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this.

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